In order to express our feelings, we need to be able to identify them. Our basic core feelings are fear, anger, sadness, shame, guilt, and happy. Every person on the planet has these feelings regardless if they can identify them by name or not. They are neither right or wrong or good or bad. They are just feelings and we don’t judge them. We allow ourselves, and others to have their feelings. Our feelings belong to us and we are entitled to have them. We are also responsible for our feelings and how we manage and express them. No one can do that for us. And we can’t do that for anyone else.
People sometimes say that they don’t have any fear. But they do identify with worrying about this or that. Worry is a form of fear. Other times they will say that they are not angry they are just irritated or annoyed. This is a form of anger. Feeling hurt about something someone said or did is most closely related to the core feeling of sadness.
Feelings are a very deep part of who we are as human beings.
When we are cut off from our feelings or deny them, we are cutting ourselves off from a significant part of who we are. Unresolved feelings and repressed feelings many times lead to anxiety, depression, and physical illnesses.
Men typically have more difficulty than women feeling and expressing their feelings.
Males tend to hear and receive messages as young boys such as “don’t be a baby”, “stop crying”, or other shaming messages. As they get older the messages are “be a man”, “don’t show your feelings”, “be strong.” You don’t need to continue living your life believing those false messages. You can make a choice today to begin changing your reality about what a man really is. More and more men from all walks of life are taking this step.
Men were led to believe that they weren’t real men if they had feelings such as fear or sadness.
But the reality is they did and do have these feelings. But what happened when they tried to deny those feelings or stuff them? The feelings began to multiply and layer one on top of the other. Years of unresolved feelings of sadness, fear, shame, and guilt began to surface causing mental, emotional, and physical suffering.
Men thought that being angry and showing aggression somehow made them more of a man.
They used this anger to control others including their wives and children. It pushed their loved ones away from them and destroyed their marriages and families. Others, turned to alcohol and/or drugs to try to cope with these feelings only to wake up the next morning with additional feelings of guilt and shame.
Men, it is ok to feel your feelings.
It doesn’t make you less of a man it makes you more of a man. It makes you a whole person again. It takes courage and inner strength to move past the fear of what we think others might thing of us if we acknowledge that we feel sad or fear.
Here are some benefits of being willing and able to identify and express your feelings:
- You will feel emotionally lighter, like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. And you won’t feel as bound up physically and emotionally.
- You will be better able to work through challenges that come into your life. When you are feeling stressed or struggling about something you can ask yourself, “what am I feeling right now?” Identifying the core feeling will provide a roadmap to working through the issue you are facing.
- You will feel happier. Repressed feelings cover up and block us from feeling our natural feelings of happiness. They are like dark clouds covering the sun. Once the clouds are removed the sun appears.
- Better relationships. We are communicating at the deepest part of who we are when we are willing and able to express our feelings accurately. That leads to a much deeper emotional connection with our loved ones. Without it, the relationship becomes very shallow and stale. Your wife or significant other will love that you are able to talk on a deeper level, sharing your feelings, and also inquiring and being interested in hers as well.
- Helps with conflict resolution. When couples are arguing and fighting you will frequently see that most of what is being said to the other person is coming out as anger. Immediately, the other person becomes defensive and the communication shuts down from there. Understanding that anger is almost always masking some form of fear and/or sadness is extremely important and helpful in managing conflict. The whole conversation changes when we can identify and tell our partner what we are really feeling.
You don’t need to continue living your life trying not to feel your feelings or having everything coming out as anger. As you make this change it can dramatically change your life and the lives of those you love and care about.
David Schlagter, LCSW