self-love

Mar

2023

Maintaining Your Mental Health

Being happy in life starts with good mental health. If we don’t have that, we won’t be happy. It is easy to get caught up in placing our attention on things that we want in life, rather than being content and grateful for what we already have. We think that once I get this or that I will be happy. And you might be, for a while. Until the mind feels that it needs something else in order to be happy. That is a cycle that never ends.

Good mental health means having peace of mind. It is normal and natural to feel stress, anxious, or down at times. But with good mental health we are able to recognize why we are feeling that way and promptly make the changes to feel better again. You return to a place of being comfortable within yourself and having inner peace regardless of what might be going on around you.

How does a person become mentally healthy?

Mental health is similar to physical health in that we need to do something to have it. Being physically fit does not come from doing nothing. It requires doing something every day to build and maintain it. Mental health is the same. It doesn’t happen by itself; we need to do something to get it and keep it.

Many people will put the effort and commitment into getting in shape, mentally or physically, but don’t maintain it. Somehow, they think that now that they have it they will always have it. We know that in order to keep it we need to continue to make it part of our daily lives. Once we make this commitment it no longer feels life effort. It’s a daily habit just as brushing our teeth or taking a shower is. We grow to look forward to it because of how good we feel when we do it.

Here are few things that will help build and maintain good mental health:

Start your morning off by sitting quietly. Notice the silence in the room. Let your mind be still, free from thought. Or sit outside and place your attention on nature. The trees, flowers, bushes, the breeze. Just notice them without thought.
Go online or get a book of Daily Affirmations. Take a few minutes to really take in what that positive daily message is and focus on that throughout the day. This is especially helpful when negative thoughts try to pull you along into thinking about them.
Be aware of what you are putting into your body. Sugar, processed foods, and fast foods have a big impact on our mental and physical health. You will notice and feel the difference as you begin to eat healthier.
Nature is mentally and emotionally healing. Spend as much time as you can outside on a daily basis.
Exercise has a large impact on our mental health. Make strength training, cardiovascular exercise, and stretching part of your daily life.
Go to therapy. Therapy can identify whatever it is that is limiting you from enjoying your life and having inner peace. If you have been in therapy previously, you may just need two or three sessions to get you back on track.

Take the steps to build and maintain good mental health. Start today! You have the discipline and self-motivation to do it. Do it every day until it becomes a natural part of your life. You will soon find yourself looking forward to it because of how good it makes you feel. You deserve it!

Nov

2022

Why Men Don’t Express Their Feelings

In order to express our feelings, we need to be able to identify them. Our basic core feelings are fear, anger, sadness, shame, guilt, and happy. Every person on the planet has these feelings regardless if they can identify them by name or not. They are neither right or wrong or good or bad. They are just feelings and we don’t judge them. We allow ourselves, and others to have their feelings. Our feelings belong to us and we are entitled to have them. We are also responsible for our feelings and how we manage and express them. No one can do that for us. And we can’t do that for anyone else.

People sometimes say that they don’t have any fear. But they do identify with worrying about this or that. Worry is a form of fear. Other times they will say that they are not angry they are just irritated or annoyed. This is a form of anger. Feeling hurt about something someone said or did is most closely related to the core feeling of sadness.

Feelings are a very deep part of who we are as human beings.

When we are cut off from our feelings or deny them, we are cutting ourselves off from a significant part of who we are. Unresolved feelings and repressed feelings many times lead to anxiety, depression, and physical illnesses.

Men typically have more difficulty than women feeling and expressing their feelings.

Males tend to hear and receive messages as young boys such as “don’t be a baby”, “stop crying”, or other shaming messages. As they get older the messages are “be a man”, “don’t show your feelings”, “be strong.” You don’t need to continue living your life believing those false messages. You can make a choice today to begin changing your reality about what a man really is. More and more men from all walks of life are taking this step.

Men were led to believe that they weren’t real men if they had feelings such as fear or sadness.

But the reality is they did and do have these feelings. But what happened when they tried to deny those feelings or stuff them? The feelings began to multiply and layer one on top of the other. Years of unresolved feelings of sadness, fear, shame, and guilt began to surface causing mental, emotional, and physical suffering.

Men thought that being angry and showing aggression somehow made them more of a man.

They used this anger to control others including their wives and children. It pushed their loved ones away from them and destroyed their marriages and families. Others, turned to alcohol and/or drugs to try to cope with these feelings only to wake up the next morning with additional feelings of guilt and shame.

Men, it is ok to feel your feelings.

It doesn’t make you less of a man it makes you more of a man. It makes you a whole person again. It takes courage and inner strength to move past the fear of what we think others might thing of us if we acknowledge that we feel sad or fear.

Here are some benefits of being willing and able to identify and express your feelings:

You will feel emotionally lighter, like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. And you won’t feel as bound up physically and emotionally.
You will be better able to work through challenges that come into your life. When you are feeling stressed or struggling about something you can ask yourself, “what am I feeling right now?” Identifying the core feeling will provide a roadmap to working through the issue you are facing.
You will feel happier. Repressed feelings cover up and block us from feeling our natural feelings of happiness. They are like dark clouds covering the sun. Once the clouds are removed the sun appears.
Better relationships. We are communicating at the deepest part of who we are when we are willing and able to express our feelings accurately. That leads to a much deeper emotional connection with our loved ones. Without it, the relationship becomes very shallow and stale. Your wife or significant other will love that you are able to talk on a deeper level, sharing your feelings, and also inquiring and being interested in hers as well.
Helps with conflict resolution. When couples are arguing and fighting you will frequently see that most of what is being said to the other person is coming out as anger. Immediately, the other person becomes defensive and the communication shuts down from there. Understanding that anger is almost always masking some form of fear and/or sadness is extremely important and helpful in managing conflict. The whole conversation changes when we can identify and tell our partner what we are really feeling.

You don’t need to continue living your life trying not to feel your feelings or having everything coming out as anger. As you make this change it can dramatically change your life and the lives of those you love and care about.

David Schlagter, LCSW

Oct

2022

6 Ways to Boost Your Self-Esteem

The relationship we have with ourselves is the most important relationship we will ever have. We are with ourselves every minute of our lives. When we like and love who we are we will be content and at peace and life becomes so much better. High self-esteem is obtainable for you regardless of what you’ve been through or what you’ve done in the past. Life will always be a struggle until we get to this point.

Many times, people will seek relationships so they can feel good about themselves. They think that if they have someone who “loves” them then all will be good in their world. But how can someone truly love us if we don’t love ourselves? The relationship can quickly turn to trying to be who you think that person wants you to be As a result, you never knowing who really are. In other words, a co-dependent relationship.

What Causes Low Self-Esteem?

So, what causes low self-esteem? Simply put, it’s negative thoughts about ourselves. These negative thought patterns usually develop early in life. Maybe you grew up in a family where there was fighting, arguing, and name calling. Or maybe it was an environment where whatever you did it was never good enough. Maybe there were choices you made in your life that you feel guilt or shame about, and you constantly relive those memories harshly judging yourself.

Most everybody struggles with not feeling good enough about themselves in some way. The difference is that some people have more positive thoughts than negative thoughts and with others it is just the opposite, more negative thoughts and in some cases all negative thoughts.

6 Ways to Improve Your Self-Esteem

Make the following suggestions part of your daily life and begin feeling better about yourself. There is no limit to how good you can feel!

*Always choose to have good thoughts about yourself. The old negative thought patterns will try to enter your consciousness but you don’t have to entertain them. Replace them immediately with positive thoughts. These positive, uplifting thoughts will begin to replace the negative thought patterns and eventually will become a natural part of your thinking.

*Look for the positive in everything. Yes, there is a positive in everything if you look for it. Maybe we’ve done something in the past that we don’t feel good about. Maybe we needed to experience that thing to help us realize that we don’t want to live that way anymore. Sometimes we grow the most from the mistakes that we’ve made.

*Refuse to judge yourself. Always choose to lift yourself up instead of putting yourself down. Be kind, loving, and forgiving to yourself. Realize that you are human. You’ve made mistakes, we’ve all made mistakes. Let’s learn what we need to from them and move forward as a better person.

*Do what you say you’re going to do and always speak the truth. We are not going to feel as good about ourselves as we could if we are not taking care of our responsibilities or not being truthful.

*Have a daily exercise program. Vigorous exercise is one of the best ways to feel good about who we are. It’s a feeling of accomplishment and also knowing that we are doing something for ourselves that makes us feel good physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually.

*Always make choices that are going to contribute to feeling good about yourself. Whatever you are about to do, think it all the way through. Ask yourself, “am I going to feel better about myself or worse from the choice I’m about to make”.

You Deserve to Love Yourself

Helping people build or rebuild their self-esteem is something that I am passionate about. Please feel free to contact me at 954-540-4583 or online if you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment.