Over the years of working with couples, I have found that most relationship problems come from the inability to communicate effectively. This is certainly not something you haven’t heard before. But most people minimize its importance or think they are communicating effectively when they are not.
There Will Always Be Issues in a Relationship
When clients come in for counseling, it’s usually because they are having an issue with this or that and want to focus on the issue, thinking that if they resolve that issue everything will be ok. What they don’t realize is that there will always be issues in a relationship and if they don’t have the tools to work through them as they come up they will go unresolved and begin to pile up until the relationship is at a breaking point. I give couples those tools.
Couples can feel overwhelmed when problems go unresolved. They often don’t know where to start because it seems that there is so much they need to work on it almost feels impossible. That feeling can quickly change to clarity and hope once they begin to communicate with each other in a healthy manner.
How to Communicate Effectively
Let’s take a look at some of the more important aspects of communication that will lead to more happiness, peace, and love in their relationship:
*Expressing Feelings
Our core feelings are fear, anger, sadness, shame, guilt, and happy. Using the format of “When you ….I feel….” Is extremely important. We are just letting the other person know how we are feeling when they said or did something that we had feelings about. We are not blaming them or criticizing them. Just expressing to them what we are feeling. This allows us to express our feelings in a healthy manner while also greatly increasing the likelihood of the other person being able to hear it and take it in without becoming defensive. They can now begin to have a healthy discussion as they work toward resolving the problem.
*One Person Speaking At A Time
It’s important that there is only one person speaking at a time. Be aware that the other person wants to speak as well so limit what you are saying so the other person remains engaged in the discussion. Let the discussion go back and forth in this way.
*Listening
Give your full attention to what the other person is saying. Giving them nonverbal cues, such as nodding your head or good eye contact lets them know you are truly listening to them. People want to feel and know that they are being heard.
*Reflecting
Letting the other person know that we understand what they are saying by reflecting back to them what they have said.
*Validating
We want to let the other person know that we understand what they are feeling and why they are feeling that way. It doesn’t mean we have to agree with them, but we validate what they are feeling without judging what they are feeling. One of the reasons people keep bringing an issue up is because they never feel that the other person really understands what or why they are feeling what they do.
*Tone Of Voice
Communicate with your partner in a tone that they can listen to. People stop listening and become defensive when someone raises their voice to them.
*Communicate What You Need And Want
We need to be able to communicate to our partner what we need and want. ie. “I would like for you to be home when you say you are going to be home. Are you willing and able to do that?” Don’t assume the other person knows what you want or need. There is no misunderstanding when you state your needs in a clear and direct way.
*Practice being kind, courteous, and respectful to your partner.
This will contribute to your emotional intimacy and closeness and is essential if you want to have a good relationship. Saying hurtful things to each other creates emotional distance and more obstacles to have to work through. It pushes the other person away and that is the opposite of what you want.
Make a choice today to be consistent communicating in this way and you will see how much better your relationship becomes!
If you’re looking for additional support in your relationship, contact David Schlagter today to start couples counseling.
